embrace your pain

The world is on pause, yet life doesn’t feel much different. the same loneliness rattles in my head, the same daydreams circle about, the same suffering occurs.

Eckhart Tolle says to not resist your pain, to surrender to the grief, despair, fear etc., He says to witness it without labelling it mentally and just allow it to be. In fact he says to embrace it. Then, we are to see how the miracle of surrender transmute deep suffering into deep peace.

Okay, so I surrender. I surrender these feelings, I surrender this pain. I surrender the attachment I have to all the relationships in my life. I surrender the labels I’ve given myself over the years.

Through the pain and suffering we quietly return to ourselves.

Maybe all this suffering is because I was a shit person in my life, who did shit things to people and this is my karma.

I’m in a phase where the sound of hope makes me cringe. Hope brings despair. Hope has a negative connotation. If we “hope” something turns out this means a part of us thinks it won’t happen. The positive outcome we have just might not happen, so we hold onto “hope” and cling to it tightly, wishing for the positive outcome, even though we have a nagging feeling of a negative outcome.

F U C K  ME.

What do I need to give myself right now?

Better food, that’s for sure. My body feels so damn heavy. I am bursting out of my seems.

Exercise.

Prayer – I need it most the times I resist it.

Side note: So watching this preacher dude on YouTube, and he says we mustn’t have sex until we’re married. That every person we’ve ever slept with is someone we’ve “married.” Something about entering into a covenant. He says we have to keep our water contained so it can work for you and not against you. The example was how water generates power when used in a dam (contained), VS. how destructive it can be when there’s a natural disaster like Hurricane Katrina.

Hurricane Katrina was far worse for the people of New Orleans than this pandemic is. Like those people dealt with a flood, having to travel by boat, being stranded on their roofs…. ugh yeah, we have it okay during this pandemic. I don’t know how long I’d survive if I was stuck on the roof, surrounded by water in the sweltering heat with no food to eat.