making bad decisions

So things aren’t panning out the way I had hoped with The American, and that’s okay. I’m packing my bag and leaving after a two-week stay. What can I say, I’m a hopeless romantic and my hopes were high that he was the one I could build a life with.

All the romance that was present in our relationship before we met quickly subsided as the reality of day-to-day living grew upon us. There was no more hand holding, no more sweet compliments. We got domestic fairly quickly, as I naturally took it upon myself to cook and clean, while he cared for more of the grunt housework. It didn’t take long for my neurosis to kick in, and things like him no longer opening the car door for me meant he was no longer smitten by me. It’s a catch-22 really. He’s not showing me romantic gestures or spilling kindness, and I can’t help but think he’s uninterested. This basically makes me beg for reassurance, and so maybe that’s why I create dramas out of small things. I need to know he still cares, but it’s hard for a man to keep having to give this reassurance as his feelings fade. And it just seems to turn into a snowball effect. It’s a shame really, and seems to be a pattern I keep reliving.

I know it wasn’t going to work because he’s not someone I’m sexually attracted to. It just hurts when the feelings of not wanting to be with me are reciperacated. I fall into the victimness of feeling not good enough.

“You’re cool, but I don’t see us working out long term” – words I’m familiar with hearing in my dating career.

Reflecting back on the patterns in myself creating this, immediately my internal guidance system is telling me it’s because I become sexually physical way too soon in the relationship than I am ready for. I need to focus on becoming intimate and comfortable with someone before sleeping with them. I think this is how I break the pattern.

But on my first night here, he told me he loved me. And I don’t want to dive into the rabbit hole of whether or not the things he said held validity or not, but I can’t help to wonder if I was duped. Just accept what is and move on.

Through our decision making we learn lessons. And the lesson here is I want more from a man. I want a man who will fight to keep me. I want a man who will love me exactly as I am, neurosis included. And most importantly, I want to be able to flow with life and follow the path of least resistance.