Lost

I feel so lost lately. Fighting with my best friend. But it’s a silent fight.

…

I’m finally getting around to my vision board. But I’m second guessing myself. – where are my pics of Tina Fey, Amy Pohler, Kristen Wiig, Lena Dunham & Mindy Khaling?

…
It’s like the guy I’m dating is contemplating whether or not he should invest in me.
This leaves me feeling unworthy. Like my parents are wondering if he’ll marry me off.

My negative thoughts go to the extreme in any situation.

-throw my name down FLIP IT AND REVERSE IT-

Everything will be okay.

Vanity.

Sometimes I just like to look at myself.

Drama

The first time I was called a drama queen I was 18.

There is something within me that needs a bit of conflict, it tells me if the person really cares (or doesn’t).

This must be my insecurities coming out and I must find a way to “fix” this part of myself. Otherwise, my friendships are on the line.

I want to be the fun friend who gets invited out. Instead I brew about not getting asked out and get envious when my friends are with their other friends.

I’ve tended to be the third wheel in my friendships. Never the best friend, but a friend on the side.

Everything I’ve learned tells me I need to change my way of thinking or this will persist.

Dear Divinity, please allow me to be grateful for what I have and be calm in my day to day life.

If it doesn’t serve you, let it go.

Dating is a game & I’m pretty competitive at games. I also like to play by the rules and call people out who try and bend the rules or cheat.

Perhaps this is why I’m not very good at dating. We talk, meet, get along, see each other for a bit, and then the crickets happen. Meaning, the diminishing conversations begin.

Is it something in me which changes? Do I let my guard down too soon, reveal too much & ultimately make myself at home, when in fact I’m still a visitor?

I could analyze situations and come up
with a million different reasons about why things aren’t going the way I had hoped, but what is the purpose of that.

I play the dating game fair: when I’m into a guy my focus is on him & I’m
Not interested in getting to know any others. However, I don’t think males play by this rule I created.

When I’m not into someone, I’ll let him know.

My gut tells me the guy I’m currently seeing, let’s call him Piccolo, is not much into me anymore and stringing me along for his convenience.

Regardless of the “why” I need to listen to my gut, & let this go.

This means:
I need to stop chasing,
I deserve a man to come to me, want me, desire me.

It’s hard not to pick up the phone and
call Piccolo.

Dear divinity, please help me. This situation does not serve me & I need the strength to let go.

AFFIRMATION
I forgive you Piccolo & I release you to
the universe.

Prayer for the newly attracted

Dear God,

You know and I know that I have more potential for neurosis in this area than in any other.

Please take my attractions, thoughts and feelings about this person and use them for your purposes.

Let this relationship unfold according to your will.

Amen.

Table for two.

I went for lunch with an old coworker of mine. It went alright. But when she started talking about the place I got fired from, I did feel uncomfortable. I suppose I’d have rather stayed in my state of ignorance than know the place of business is still functioning properly without me.

It was also strange to hear about the girl who took over for me, and that this coworker I was out for lunch with was gunning for my old job, and other former coworkers were encouraging her.

I guess I feel no sense of loyalty.

When it comes to work, can you really be friends with the people who work there? I say no.

It is strange I went for lunch with this particular coworker because her and I never really got along. We had to share a job, and we were usually pretty stressed out about each other & duelling responsibilities.

This tells me I have work to do in order to let go and move on from my former job.

dear universe, please help!

You’re not hired & I’m not that into you

I didn’t get the job I interviewed for last week. I suppose this only means I wasn’t aligned vibrationally with the position; my timing was off.

What this means is I get more time to fill in my grid, and find the perfect fitting position for me.

I welcome a new, exciting position, one where I can use all my talents and thrive in the work environment. A place where I can further develop my skills and grow with the company. Earning good money in a wonderful location.

On another note, someone I went on one date with, who I barely heard from again, decided to text me over
a month after we went out to let me know he doesn’t want a relationship.
… I think I got the hint, but I applaud him for being upfront. Even if it was late notice.

Two rejections, one day.

When you know what you don’t want, you find the path to what you do want.

Sunday Night Affirmation

“What I need to know is revealed to me, and whatever I need comes to me in Divine right order.” – Louise Hay

Everything’s a sign.

It is my belief there are no coincidences in life. So when my ex
Boyfriend sends me a pic with my ex lover’s name on it, what am I to think?

Lately I have been pondering if my ex boyfriend Ian is “the one.” Sure we had our problems, but maybe if we try again we could accept each other’s flaws and work it out.

Then I get that photo, with the name Ryan. Ryan has haunted me for 10 years, being in & out of my life a repeated number of times. It was always my belief he was my soul mate. But we never worked out the way I had always imagined.

He was also the reason my relationship did not work out. Even though I was with Ian, my mind was on Ryan.

So could this be a reminder from the universe as to why Ian & I broke up. A reminder that since I was not yet over Ryan I could not have something real with someone else?

I’m a bit bewildered.

Thoughts?

List of Gratitude

I am grateful for my loving, caring & thoughtful mom

I am grateful for my brother & father, their loving support

I am grateful for my comfortable home

I am grateful for my grandmother who’d never let me go hungry

I am grateful for my grandfather as I learned so much from him growing up

I am grateful for my large family & being able to talk with them

I am grateful for my friends: E, I, T, M

I am grateful for the air I breath

I am grateful for my body & being healthy and mobile

I am grateful for everyone in my life, past & present, for the lessons I’ve learned & for growing through those experiences

I am grateful for this free country in which I live

I am grateful I am able