What kind of dating standards have you set for yourself?

When dating, some guys will put in the minimal effort to try and sweep us off our feet. They think things like casual texts like “sup?”, photos of their dog laying in their crotch and last minute hangout invites are going to woo us. My word. What are we, 18? When situations like this arise, you gotta ask yourself: are these the types of behaviour I’m going to accept when dating and looking for a partner? It all comes down to us and what we stand for. Frankly, the above behaviour warrants no response, because it’s just unacceptable dating behaviour when you are 35.

Last night, I went on my first date since The American, and I was pleasantly surprised. This man picked me up at my house, and got out of his damn car to greet me, and opened the car door for me. He also walked me to my front door at the end of the date. Uh. I’ve never experienced this level of chivalry before. And that’s probably because I accepted subpar treatment from punks for years. My bad.

This experience made me realize it’s the behaviour that we accept during the dating phase that sets the standards for the long term. What we agree to and the things we are okay with showcases what we think our worth is. What are you willing to accept? What actions are deal breakers?

So the next time someone asks you to go for a drive on your first meet up, ask yourself if this is the type of person and relationship you’re trying to attract in your life. Saying “no” to this behaviour allows the universe to know we want more for ourselves, plus gives our confidence a lil’ boost because we raised our standards.

No more self-serving guys. How about men with their shit together (or at least 95% of their shit together, cause we all got stuff) and us as high-valued women?

a bad connection

Sometimes the reason why things don’t work out could simply be due to a bad connection. Actually, poor communication is the reason why many things fall to pieces.

“The definition of connection is that something is linked with another or associated with another or that there is a relationship between two or more things.” And that link, when you have a bad connection, is broken or defective.

I bring this up as I reflect on my last dating endeavour. After a break up we (humans) tend to remember the good parts, which leads us to naturally start missing the person.Your mind will play games on you, analyzing, questioning, all the things… but if you dig a little deeper you see it might only be the routine that you’re actually missing.

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The World Record for the Longest First Date

Did I just set a new Guinness World Record for the longest first date? At the time I started this post, we were going on 360 hours spent together, mostly under one roof. It’s completely arguable though if it still counts as a date once we reached the point that we were no longer interested in each other, but were more or less stuck together until I got the proper paperwork to fly back home to Canada.

In total we spent approximately 384 hours together. I finish this post in the airport while I wait to board my plane back home. In the time The American and I spent together we found sweet moments, hope, helpfulness, laughs, cuddles, annoyance, dismay, disgust, arguments, judgement, separation, and basically all the facets of an LTR wrapped up into two weeks.

As one of my good friends put it, this experience was a fast-tracked 1-2 year relationship which makes me lucky because time is more valuable than money. I don’t regret anything that happened. I learned a lot about the things I want to do and the things I am capable of doing, and met some cool people along the way. I am just glad to be heading home.

How appropriate MMMBop starts playing in the airport as I write this. What is an MMMbop, you may be asking? Well, pulling from my teeny bopper experience, it was described as a moment in time. The song kicks off,

“You have so many relationships in this life
Only one or two will last
You go through all the pain and strife
Then you turn your back and they’re gone so fast…”

and don’t forget about:

“Plant a seed, plant a flower, plant a rose
You can plant any one of those
Keep planting to find out which one grows…”

So keep planting and watering, and remember all we have is the present moment.

Ohio, thanks for being an MMMBop in my life.

making bad decisions

So things aren’t panning out the way I had hoped with The American, and that’s okay. I’m packing my bag and leaving after a two-week stay. What can I say, I’m a hopeless romantic and my hopes were high that he was the one I could build a life with.

All the romance that was present in our relationship before we met quickly subsided as the reality of day-to-day living grew upon us. There was no more hand holding, no more sweet compliments. We got domestic fairly quickly, as I naturally took it upon myself to cook and clean, while he cared for more of the grunt housework. It didn’t take long for my neurosis to kick in, and things like him no longer opening the car door for me meant he was no longer smitten by me. It’s a catch-22 really. He’s not showing me romantic gestures or spilling kindness, and I can’t help but think he’s uninterested. This basically makes me beg for reassurance, and so maybe that’s why I create dramas out of small things. I need to know he still cares, but it’s hard for a man to keep having to give this reassurance as his feelings fade. And it just seems to turn into a snowball effect. It’s a shame really, and seems to be a pattern I keep reliving.

I know it wasn’t going to work because he’s not someone I’m sexually attracted to. It just hurts when the feelings of not wanting to be with me are reciperacated. I fall into the victimness of feeling not good enough.

“You’re cool, but I don’t see us working out long term” – words I’m familiar with hearing in my dating career.

Reflecting back on the patterns in myself creating this, immediately my internal guidance system is telling me it’s because I become sexually physical way too soon in the relationship than I am ready for. I need to focus on becoming intimate and comfortable with someone before sleeping with them. I think this is how I break the pattern.

But on my first night here, he told me he loved me. And I don’t want to dive into the rabbit hole of whether or not the things he said held validity or not, but I can’t help to wonder if I was duped. Just accept what is and move on.

Through our decision making we learn lessons. And the lesson here is I want more from a man. I want a man who will fight to keep me. I want a man who will love me exactly as I am, neurosis included. And most importantly, I want to be able to flow with life and follow the path of least resistance.

The ultimate dating experiment

Is it possible to find love with someone you haven’t met in person yet? Well, in 6 days, I’m about to find out.

I met an American on Tinder in November. I never really thought anything of it because well, the distance, and also the whole Covid thing didn’t help. After four months of consistent chats and video calls (except for the two weeks I dated someone else), one or two arguments, and a few steamy phone calls, we decided to roll the dice. He’s invited me to stay with him in his newly rented home in Ohio for an undisclosed amount of time. Initially I was going to visit for four days, then that turned into two weeks, and now with the crazy restrictions in Canada, we’re leaning more toward a two-month-long first date.

As a non-essential worker here in Toronto, I’ve been in and out of work for almost a year. So with nothing tying me down, I am packing my bags and going.

I feel good about this. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be going. I was definitely resistant to the whole relationship from the beginning, but he has charmed my boots off and has seemingly won me over.

So this is me documenting the experience.

This also begs me to ask the question: how far have you travelled for a first date? I’m about to travel over 400 miles for mine, so wish me luck!

Don’t go back to his place on the first date

There’s this TikTok video that’s gone viral. Have you seen it? A twenty-five-year-old woman meets this guy via Tinder. The first date ends up being a movie and hangouts at his place. When he wants to get frisky, she denies him, he gets pissed and lectures her about how she should give it up because they met on Tinder, and apparently, “Tinder is for fucking, and not dating.” The story and video are on BuzzFeed.

The general public’s reaction to this story is how this guy is a douche and she has every right to not sleep with him. He isn’t entitled to her sexually because he threw on some Netflix and popped popcorn. But…. there is a dating rule and it goes a little something like this: Ladies, don’t go back to his place on the first date unless you want to sleep with him.

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Let’s talk about what’s essential!

This pandemic is driving us crazy! The way government and health officials are handling everything is creating outrage and protests. We are questioning the logic behind the decisions being made, the restrictions put in place, the businesses and activities they deem “essential” and “non-essential”, and all we want are our freedoms back! And now depending on where you live, you may be abiding by a Stay-At-Home order…

So tell me Mr. and Ms. Government Officials, how’s a single girl supposed to find her partner, cultivate a relationship and start a family when she can’t even leave her own home? If you’re a 30-something single woman, you may end up a spinster due to these dyer circumstances. It is essential to a woman’s child-bearing years to be able to date during Covid-19.

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cooking lessons and boys

 What sorts of lessons have you learned from the people you’ve dated?

I started thinking about it today, and along with some life lessons, it seems I’ve also gathered a few cooking tips and tricks along the way. I notice these revelations in real-time. For example, the thought “pierce the sausage or it might explode” popped into my head as I cooked pork sausages today. My Covid summer fling used to BBQ for me all the time. Perhaps a cooking tip I wouldn’t have known if it wasn’t for the time I spent with him.

You see, I’ve never really been a Betty Crocker in the kitchen, so perhaps my dating experiences were also to benefit my skills in the kitchen. Perhaps these cooking lessons were imperative for me to learn as they are preparing me for when I meet “the one.”

“They used to say to get a man you had to know how to look. They used to say to keep a man you had to know how to cook.” – Lizzo

Crazy thought? Maybe! But I’m gonna go with it, because whether you spend a few hours or a few years with someone, everyone we meet is for a reason, right? 

In case you were wondering here are some cooking tips I gathered over the years: 

For example:

  • Massage kale with oil before consuming. It makes it so much better!
  • Heat up your oil with chilli flakes before throwing your items into the pan 
  • How to make your own BBQ sauce and deep fried chicken wings (this was before YouTube, friends)
  • Cut out the white parts of peppers
  • Making spice rubs
  • Pierce the sausage! 

Some of that advice was from guys whose names I don’t remember. Others, from guys who broke my heart. And as I cook different dishes, I sometimes get flashbacks of memories of a time when a man was cooking for me, and the tricks he had . And all I can say is that I hope they learned something from me in return.