Reading an article posted on The Kit.ca where they interview Logan Ury, Director of Relationships at Hinge (like that’s even a real thing?!), and author of How to Not Die Alone, because apparently we have only two options in life: couple up or die alone.
However, reading the article and trying not to be too cynical about Ury’s views she says we need to change our behavioural patterns in order to have a long-lasting romantic relationship and she delves into the reasons we may be self-sabotaging our love lives.
The things we are doing that are wrong:
- We assume that love will find us – Finding love takes hard work according to Ury. Seems we have to treat it as a job with deadlines, checklists, finding an accountability partner, deciding what kind of a person we want to be with and affirming: I am looking for love, I am not a person who is waiting to die. Am I the only one who believes Daniel Johnston when he sings “True love will find you in the end”? Should I give up on my dream of the magical romantic serendipitous encounter at the grocery store?
- We’re waiting for The One – She says there is no such thing as The One. If you believe that you’re classified as a Romanticizer. These people think once you find your soulmate you don’t have to put any effort into the relationship, nor have any difficult conversations. When you romanticize you take relatively small things (i.e. dirty socks on your date’s living room floor) and declare this person unfit to be your romantic partner. We are seeking perfection. In my case, I am definitely looking for the right one and am physically unable to settle, so call me a romanticizer if you must!
- We’re in a new relationship every three months – Well welcome to the world of online dating and its endless options! She says we are ditchers who pull the parachute far too soon and jump around from relationship to relationship. Love has different phases, so what we experience in month one will be different from what we experience in month eight. She wants us to give time and energy into something rather than jumping ship. Also, we’re likely choosing the wrong people; she says we may tend to chase someone who pulls back from us when we pursue them. We get addicted to the anxiety and confuse it for chemistry. She says date someone who is affectionate but gives space, someone comfortable with intimacy but doesn’t smother you. Secure people are reliable, self-aware and communicate how they feel.
- We took a break from dating during pandemic – Don’t stop doing things in life because of the Rona. If not now then when?
- We keep going back to our Ex – Ury says when we do this we are reaching for the familiar. The cost to keeping an ex around? It holds us back. So delete them from your life and convince yourself you’ve made the right decision, but only if you’re serious about moving on. As a side note: I’ve learned it’s when we’re encountering moments of loneliness that we start to miss our ex(es). Once we can recognize that feeling just remember, this too shall pass.
- . We’re burnt out on dating – Agree 110%. We are TIRED. We are now showing up on dates already feeling defeated and believing you’ll never find someone at this point. Anyone else have The Ataris’ Giving Up on Love playing through their head? And when we feel this way while dating, the other person can feel our negative vibes. She recommends taking a month off from dating to do community service, read a book and work on your own happiness.
What are your thoughts on this? There’s one view point from the book It’s Not You 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single that boils down to we just haven’t met the right person yet. We aren’t being too picky, too available, too successful, etc., etc., etc. We are perfect as is.
After reading this article, at first highly cynically I admit, I definitely see some areas needing improvement in my dating life. I think some fine tweaking and taking Ury’s advice wouldn’t hurt any of us. Ultimately, a lot of this has to do with timing and where we’re at in our lives at this moment. You’re sure as shit not going to meet anyone of value if you’re in a negative state of mind.
Taking a break sounds awesome. Tulum, Mexico, here I come! And if you don’t know what type of person you wish to cultivate in your life, here’s a very helpful meme from IG: